Am I the Same Person I Used to Be

     When I was ten years old, I was a stereotypical innocent child. I didn’t know how to explain whether I was sad or happy or angry or ecstatic; I hardly even knew what any emotions except happiness or excitement even felt like. I didn’t know that everyone in the world wasn’t extremely kind to each other. When my mom would tell me to ignore any strangers telling me they were “lost” or that they need help, I would laugh and think why would anyone lie about something so serious. I didn’t know that marriages failed because of things other than falling out of love; I didn’t even know financial problems could be so serious or that someone would really commit adultery. I didn’t understand why my siblings would get in trouble for coming home so late while in high school, or why they would seem so incoherent and wobbly after coming home from being with their friends. I didn’t know how difficult and stressful school could get, nor did I know getting a job could be so hard but spending money could be so easy. I didn’t know that friendships could ever fade away or that people would really talk behind others’ backs. So, am I the same person I am today as I was when I was ten years old? The answer to that would be yes and no depending on how you look at it.

     When I think of myself in a physical sense then yes I am the same person, I am still Catherine McClure. Maybe I have grown a few inches and gained a few pounds, maybe my appearance has matured, and I don’t wear clothes from Justice anymore, but overall I am still the same human being with the same DNA. When I first saw this question, I immediately said, “No, I am not even a smidge the same person that I was ten years ago; I’m not even the same person I was three months ago”, but in reality everything about me is entirely the same. It isn’t like my soul has been replaced by another. My brain is still the same exact one that it used to be except it has learned new things, and it has learned how to deal with emotions and difficult situations much more efficiently. Maybe my values in life and passions have changed, but that doesn’t mean I have been replacing myself every few weeks to a refreshed human being. Like everyone in the world, I have had multiple different experiences over the past nine years. I have grown greatly as an individual, and some aspects of me are different that they used to be. That is the way life goes on for every person on the planet. Just because I learn a new skill, have a new experience, meet new people, and find new passions doesn't mean my identity has been switched out with a new one. My mind has grown; it has become more aware of things around me and things that I am feeling.

    Think of a basic skill you have today, maybe you’re good at baseball or soccer, you’re really good at drawing, or you’re incredible at solving math problems; now think of yourself and that skill when you were ten years old, did you have the same skill you have now that you did then? No, you probably stunk at it when you were ten, but your parents told you that you were awesome. Did you replace your arms or legs? Did you exchange your brain for a new, smarter one? I am guessing you didn’t; maybe you have a different skill level today, but that doesn’t mean anything apart from you changed, all it did was grow and become better. That is how I look at myself and my person and life. I may not have had the same exact thoughts, values, passions, and interests when I was ten as I do now, but I have grown naturally as the same person just updated. Just like you update your phone or laptop, you have updated yourself. Maybe what it can do has changed in the slightest bit, but it’s still the same object just as you are the same person just changed a bit and bit and grown into a seemingly new person but altogether you’re still you.

    The majority of us just want to survive more than we want to live. Some use the words interchangeably, but they are entirely different. Survival is when you fall really hard or get into a car accident, maybe hit your head hard, break your leg or arm, or cut yourself really bad, but you open your eyes up and you can move your toes and feels the blankets your laying on. Your head, arm, leg, or cut may really hurt badly, but you’re still physically on the planet and those around you can see, feel, smell, hear, and maybe taste you. Next week you wake up and you feel immense pain in your abdomen, and you find out you need to get surgery. After that surgery, you feel a little better, but you need to be on bed rest for a month. A few weeks later, you fall again while taking a shower and worsen your injuries even further. You go back to the hospital and find out you have a life threatening illness that has no known cure, and regardless of what you do, your physical body is going to die within the next year. One path is you could stay going to  the doctor and be opened and closed and stitched together like a sweater to see if they could fix you and still die in a year, or you could take medications to ease your pain and just go on with the rest of your life and do everything you want and live another year. One path is surviving and the other is living. No matter what, each and everyone of us is going to die, and there is nothing at all to prevent that from ever happening. Do you want to survive and live in autopilot the rest of  your life where you take the way you are sure you will stay alive? Or do you want to live each and everyday to the fullest and be okay dying because you did all you wanted to do physically and you are ready for wherever the loss of your body takes you? Living is allowing change to occur. Maybe you’re not ready to undergo whatever the change is, but you’re going to do it anyway. No one knows where we go when our bodies die. What we do know is that it is going to happen. Maybe the mind goes on and takes on a different, powerful, eternal being that we can’t see here on earth, or maybe you emerge into a blank eternity of nothingness. Either way, it is a new journey for your mind without your body. Having the mindset that death isn’t the worst thing that could happen would help you live; meanwhile, having the mindset that death is the horrible and tragic end of it all will keep you alive, but is that really what you want? The difference between these two words, living and surviving, is, to me, the difference between happiness and pain.